Coward
by OKami-hu
Summary: One-shot. First time in his life, Roy's not able to face somebody. (Roy-Ed)


**Disclaimer**: Disclaimer: chars & world belong to Square/Enix, the fic is mine. Isn't it funny, that I've never seen a single episode of Fullmetal Alchemist so far?

**Rating**: PG maybe; but only because there's a gay guy in it

**Pairing**: RoyxEd

**Warnings**: maybe a bit of OOC-ness

Coward

I never considered myself as a coward. I'm not a coward! But still… When I had the chance to say the words I so longed to say, I hesitated. I don't know why. Maybe I remembered your fierce temper. Maybe I couldn't gather the right words or maybe… I don't know. First time in my life, I was totally and helplessly confused, scared and my heart feels like breaking when I think back on that moment. I remember as if it was yesterday…

I went to the library that afternoon. I needed some information about something. It was a bright late spring afternoon; the sun shone warmly, all the windows were open and the light breeze curiously explored all the rooms and hallways. Outside, the trees were already fully dressed in their summer outfit; so many dazzling shades of green.

I entered the huge room and began to stroll along the shelves. And suddenly, I caught a glimpse of something golden shining in the sunlight. I looked again and I smiled as I recognized you, little Alchemist. You sat by the table, a book open before you; your red coat hung on the chair. I watched you for a while. The rays of the sun touched your blond hair lovingly, making it even more shiny, like spun gold. I could see your creamy skin which already started to catch a light tan from the many outdoor exercises. And I also saw the dark grey automail glittering coldly where your right arm should be. For a brief, fleeting moment, I imagined how it could have felt getting that thing attached to your body and my heart clenched painfully… I know the tales told about it. Getting such an implant is a painful experience. And you are so young, so fragile… Secretly I admire your strength; that you made it without cracking completely by the trauma.

I shook my head and turned away. My breath was quicker than usual and it surprised me a little. I continued my way to find the book I wanted. It took me some time and suddenly I caught myself thinking about you again. How you sat there, deeply absorbed in your book. That determined, distantly sad expression on your adorable face. I stopped here. Am I really thinking that you're "adorable"?

The realization hit me like I had been struck by my own fire spell. I even dropped the book I was holding. I couldn't deny it anymore.

I had feelings for you.

It made me a little dizzy. How could this happen? I always had control over my life so how did it happen without me noticing the strange warmth that engulfed me every time I saw your smile, heard your laughter? How come I never stopped to wonder why I hold your graceful, slender form so irresistible to stare at?

I took the book and with firm steps, I walked back to you. I wanted to talk about it.

You heard me coming and you looked up on me… And I was lost. I got swallowed up by your large golden eyes which hold so much from youth's light and hopes and age's wisdom and sadness. I can't remember how I was able to force a smile and ask on a clear voice:

"Hello, Edward. Mind if I sit with you?"

"Of course not, Colonel." You answered and I dropped down casually, trying very-very hard not to stare at your hair, eyes, lips, skin…

"What are you reading?"

"Oh, just doing the usual investigation," You shrugged. "I'm trying to find some information about a village but there's no map."

"Want some help?"

"That'll be great!" Your eyes lit up with delight. "Thanks!"

"Lemme see…"

And we sat there for fifteen minutes. I told you everything – for once – about Argo Village and its mines. You caught up quickly and asked some questions that proved your intelligence. We ended up joking about something and while you laughed, you accidentally put your hand on mine. It was like lightning; like fire burning my skin but there wasn't any pain just that light pleasure and the tiny butterflies dancing in my belly. You really looked like a kid then; young and carefree like you should always be.

We returned to our studies after that. Although I could hardly focus on the text; my eyes strayed off often, to observe you. The light-reflexes on your hair, the curve of your shoulder, the light pink color of your small mouth – everything fascinated me with no end.

Half an hour passed and you grew tired. You leaned back with a sigh and raised your arms to put your hands behind your head. Somewhere in the building somebody started to play the piano and the silent melody found its way into the library too. I watched in awe as you relaxed and smiled a little.

And in the next second, it happened. Your mouth opened a little and your dark pink tongue darted out to lick those petal-soft lips… The breath caught in my throat and the world slowly stopped to exist around me. I managed to turn my eyes towards the white pages of the book but instead of the text, I saw images; bright, vivid and breathtaking ones.

I imagined you and me leaning closer until our lips touch and we begin to kiss gently. I imagined your hands grabbing my uniform and my fingers reaching for your braid to undo it. I could feel the soft, silky strands of hair brushing against my palm. I could taste your sweet mouth and hear the small moan which is muffled by my mouth on yours. I imagined me sliding a hand along your arm and then, up on your back. Picturing your body pressing against mine was almost too much. But my mind never stopped. I could see myself, gently pushing you back to a bed and working your shirt open. I could hear your quick breathing and see your eyes shining with anticipation. Soon, you lay there wearing only those leather pants. The sight nearly made my mouth water. True, I love to tease you about being small but I only do it because you're so incredibly sweet when you pout. Actually, I'm quite fond of your body. It doesn't matter that you're not fully soft flesh and creamy skin, I don't care. The rest of you is still warm and would be covered with a thin layer of sweat which would glisten in the moonlight if you only let me… touch you, love you…

This was the moment, when I instinctively snapped back into reality knowing that if I continue daydreaming about you here and now, I might do something unforgivable which has nothing to do with love. I secretly pinched myself and the pain cleared my vision. Although it still took a minute until I was able to look at you.

You still leaned back, relaxing with a peaceful expression. You bowed your head back exposing your pale throat to the sunlight and the breeze. My God, how I longed to kiss your slender neck! How I wanted to steal a long, deep kiss from your full lips! How I wished for time to stop so this moment could last forever…!

"Ed…" My voice was so hoarse and so quiet, I barely recognized it. You didn't move.

"Ed…" I breathed again and you stirred then looked at me.

"Ah, yes, yes…?"

I stared at you for a long moment then grinned.

"Let's go. We've spent enough time stuffing our heads with knowledge. I wonder if I could find some sweets in the canteen. I really need my daily dosage of sugar." I really don't know what was I thinking; maybe that you'll pick up on the clue and offer me a kiss? I love sweets though.

Here the story ends; we went down to hunt for desserts; and that night I lay crying on my bed. Yes, I have to admit that I was crying, no matter, how stupid and embarrassing it feels. I was mourning over my cowardice. But slowly, I realized that it was the best for both of us. What would I have done if I told you everything and you rejected me? What if you got scared, or worse, angry? My heart would have been ripped out of my chest.

So my cowardice saved our friendship and this is good. But on the other hand, I still want to smash my head into the wall and scream in agony because I'm burning up from the inside every damn time you step close to me or your eyes fill with sadness. I don't know, how will I make it. So first time in my life, I clasp my hands for a silent prayer.

God, have mercy on the coward.

-The end-

** Note**: The fic is loosely based on a real event. I really hope that by writing this, I managed to get the whole thing out of my system because if my "Edward" realizes, that it actually happened, she'll beat me up and might end our friendship too. And I really don't want that. That'd hurt.   
**Note2**: Please, guys, I need a beta-reader!


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